We’ve all been there. 

You’re trying to get everyone out the door for a family gathering.

The diaper bag is half-packed. One shoe has been located, the other is definitely in the fridge for reasons unknown. Someone is yelling because their socks feel “spicy.” Someone else is crying because their sibling is not touching them but might at any second. 

Meanwhile, you’re standing there thinking: “…I am a reasonable, calm, functioning adult.”

So why does this tiny group of humans turn me into a woman I don’t even recognize?”

Because if we’re being honest, most days you are patient(ish). You do try to stay grounded. You do want to be the peaceful, gentle mom you envisioned yourself to be one day.

But your kids?

They have a truly supernatural talent for pressing every button you didn’t even know you had… repeatedly… until you’re red in the face, whisper-yelling through clenched teeth, and making threats that, if we’re being honest, are more of a punishment for you than the kids. 😅

And all of this—every meltdown, every delay, every spill—happens right before you’re supposed to put on your “holiday best,” walk into a room full of relatives, and act like everything is magical and serene.

So, what’s a mom to do?

We’ve got you. Step on into our no-yell guide for the craziest time of the year. 

Why you’re yelling in the first place

If it feels like you’re yelling more between Thanksgiving and New Year’s… you’re not imagining it. The holiday season multiplies the pressure on every front. 

Your cognitive load triples as you juggle gifts, meals, travel plans, outfits, school events, and family dynamics in addition to the other 900 things you do each day to keep your family and home running smoothly. (And if we’re being honest, “smoothly” is often a stretch itself. 😅)

Overcommitment sneaks in, too—saying yes to gatherings, volunteering, hosting, and baking “just one more thing” until there’s no margin left for you. You want to help; you want to create memories your family will cherish. But layering on unrealistic expectations (the pressure to create magical moments, behave perfectly at gatherings, and strike the right balance between faith and fun), and you have a recipe for a seriously stressed out mom. 

Meanwhile, your nervous system is on constant high alert—loud toys, crowded houses, disrupted routines, sugary meltdowns, and sensory chaos coming at you from every direction. Before long, it can feel like the only way we communicate anymore is by yelling. (And immediately feeling guilty and like a failure.)

When things feel chaotic, rushed, or “not how they should be,” your brain reads that mismatch as a threat. The amygdala fires up, signalling stress, and your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain responsible for patience, reasoning, and impulse control) goes briefly offline. In those moments, your body is reacting faster than your brain can regulate. And yelling is the overflow of that overwhelmed nervous system. 

So, what can we do? Let’s look at a few practical strategies. 

3 strategies to stop yelling

No 1: An intentional pause

Recently, my sister-in-law texted me that my niece and nephew had spilled a giant tub of flour and a tub of rice all over the *carpeted* playroom floor and used their Tonka trucks to do some “construction” with it. The room was truly an enormous mess. Most of us would have launched into instant yelling. But she did something I absolutely love: she walked in, saw the chaos, and instead of reacting on the spot, she calmly sent the kids to their room so she could think. She took a breath. She called her husband. Then she called me. We lamented together, laughed so we didn’t cry, and then talked through what consequences actually made sense.

Many of us grew up in reactive homes where punishments were declared in the heat of the moment: No TV for a month! You’re grounded forever! But nothing bad happens when you pause. Your kids won’t become career criminals because you took ten minutes to regulate before deciding on consequences. I don’t believe that we always have to know exactly what to do right in the moment. We’re allowed to take a pause, call someone we trust, and give the situation some space so we can feel good about how we show up.

An intentional pause is a game-changer. When we feel ourselves starting to reach our limits, that’s a cue that we need some space so we can regulate ourselves before we interact with our kids. Now, maybe you can’t always send them to a different room, but you can get them in a safe spot and step away for a moment. Then, do whatever it is that will support you in calming down and making a good decision. Maybe it’s a few moments of prayer (highly recommend), maybe it’s calling your sister or mom—whatever it is, use the pause to get to a place where you feel calm.

No 2: Pre-decide what you can

One of the most powerful tools for staying calm as a mom—especially during the holidays—is pre-deciding. Pre-deciding is simply choosing ahead of time how you want to show up in situations you already know will be challenging. Most of the conflict in our homes doesn’t come from truly surprising behavior. It comes from predictable kid behavior that we weren’t emotionally prepared to handle. When we pre-decide how we want to respond, we take away the element of surprise—and with it, most of the yelling. And, around the holidays, we’re often faced with even more behaviors PLUS the added stress of the whole family gathered to witness the tantrums and meltdowns. Kids (without fully formed brains) are going to do kid things. The peace comes when we decide ahead of time what we want to do about it.

Take some time this week to write down behaviors you know frustrate you. Maybe it’s:

• Acting ungrateful while opening presents
• Melting down when they can’t have more food or sweets
• Ignoring you when there are cousins or friends around
• Tantrums during transitions (getting out the door, leaving an event, putting on coats)
• Getting wild when routines shift or bedtimes slide
  

Then we get to choose:

• how we’ll respond
• what tone we’ll use
• what boundary we’ll hold
• what follow-through we’ll choose
• what we’ll tell ourselves internally
• what we won’t take personally
  

You can even write this out and share with your spouse to have a complete game plan in place. 

Example 1: If they act ungrateful opening presents

Behavior you expect: Complaining about a gift / rejecting it
Your pre-decided response: “Preview” with kids (naming the feelings they might have, discussing what they wanted vs. what they might receive, practicing how to respond, and giving them scripts). Then, if the behavior happens in the moment, I’m going to stay calm and say, “It’s okay to feel disappointed. Let’s take a quick break and reset.”
Tone: Calm, steady, soft
Boundary: If the complaining continues, I will have them step away with me

Follow-through: Move to another room for a moment
Internal script: “This is developmentally normal and doesn’t mean anything about my kid or me. I can guide without shaming.”
What you won’t take personally: Their disappointment

Example 2: If they ignore you around cousins or friends

Behavior you expect: Not coming when called, hyperactivity, silliness, selective hearing
Your pre-decided response: “Preview” with the kids beforehand (“When you’re playing with cousins, it’s normal to get super excited. If I need your attention, I’m going to put my hand on your shoulder or hold up one finger. That’s your cue to stop and check in with me. Want to practice what that looks like?”) Then, in the moment, I’ll say, “It looks like you’re having a hard time listening, let’s take a break.”
Tone: Firm but warm
Boundary: When they ignore instructions, I’ll pause play
Follow-through: One-minute reset together before returning
Internal script: “They’re overstimulated, not disrespectful. I’m here to anchor them.”
What you won’t take personally: Their excitement, dysregulation

Food for thought: every time we leave Confession, we make a promise to “avoid sin and the near occasions of sin.” In other words, we pre-decide who we want to be before the next temptation even comes. Parenting is so similar! When we choose ahead of time how we want to respond, we’re cooperating with grace instead of reacting from stress. Pre-deciding is simply practicing the virtue of prudence. 

No 3: Keep an eternal perspective 

When you’re in the throes of parenting, everything feels urgent. We hear ominous things like, “You better take care of that behavior now… or else” (cue the dramatic organ music) or “If they don’t learn when they’re young, they never will.” It puts a lot of pressure on us to always say, do, and be right. 

But one of the most freeing shifts is learning to pause and ask:

Does this matter in eternity?
Is this a situation that needs correction… or just connection?
Is this a soul moment, or a skill-building moment?

So much of what stresses us out is temporary, human, and developmentally normal—not moral failure.

• Ungrateful reactions at gifts? → Disappointment, not rebellion.
• Ignoring you when cousins are around? → Overstimulation, not disrespect.
• Holiday hyperactivity? → Sensory overload, not character flaw.
• A meltdown during transitions? → Regulation challenge, not defiance.
  

When we ask the eternal question—“Does this matter in the long run?”—we often find:

• Most moments don’t require consequences; they require connection.
• Most behavior isn’t sin; it’s immaturity.
• Most problems aren’t moral; they’re developmental.

And here’s the biggest thought shift: God cares more about the way you love your child in the struggle than whether your child behaves tidily in the moment.

Your tone, your calm, your mercy… those shape a child’s understanding of God more than any consequence ever could. And that perspective gives you permission to slow down, breathe, and parent from peace instead of pressure.

BONUS: Repair early and often

Even with the best pause… the best pre-deciding… the best eternal perspective… you’re still a human mom with limits.

We will lose our cool sometimes.
We will say something sharper than you meant.
We will have moments where your nervous system gets the best of you.

But God, in His mercy, gives us—and models for us—exactly what to do next: Repair.

Throughout Scripture, God shows us the pattern of rupture → return → restoration. He doesn’t demand perfection from His children; He calls us back, gathers us close, and restores connection. That’s the rhythm of the entire spiritual life. And the science of attachment and neuroscience says the same thing.

Research shows that secure attachment is built through “rupture and repair,” not perfection.

According to attachment research (Dr. Ed Tronick, Dr. Mary Ainsworth, Dr. Allan Schore), the health of a parent–child bond isn’t measured by how often things go smoothly, but by how the parent reconnects after a rupture. Small ruptures happen constantly—miscommunication, frustration, a sharp tone. But each rupture is followed by an opportunity to repair. And it’s the repair that strengthens trust.

And repair actually, biologically rewires your kiddos’ brain. Neuroscience shows that when you repair with your child:

• their nervous system calms
• the amygdala (alarm center) settles
• the prefrontal cortex (emotional regulation center) grows stronger
• they learn how to reconcile, even under stress
  

Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “brain integration”—connection after conflict literally builds the pathways kids need to regulate their own emotions later in life.

And finally, repair helps you feel better too. Repair taps the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and connect” part), calming your nervous systems and signaling to everyone involved that “This relationship is safe. We’re okay. We can move forward.” This breaks the shame cycle that makes moms feel stuck.

So even if/when you lose your cool this holiday season, know that you can ALWAYS repair. And the sooner, the better! 

We’re proud of you, mama! Keep showing up your family and taking the next best step in faith!